Friday, June 19, 2009

How Do I Kill An 'X'? (Part 2)

Vampires:


In the movies you see some tough guy try to shoot a vampire to no effect, then the pansy guy with a cross or some holy water steps in and drives the vamp back. Popular culture will tell you that you should drop your gun in favor of some holy item. That's just false information being fed to you from the vampires! What if that doesn't work? What if it's a Jewish vampire?

The deal on Christian symbols and the vamp-hate is based off the idea that Vampires have been forsaken by God so they go around targeting those that God hasn't forsaken. (Doesn't seem like a good manner to get an appeal to me.) They so hate God that they are repulsed by His symbols.

If Judas Iscariot is the first vampire in your way of thinking - they can't stand silver because of the whole selling-out-Jesus-for-silver-coins thing. Additionally, if you're going with a wooden stake, make sure it's made from the wood of an Aspen tree as that's the type of tree Judas supposedly hanged himself from.

There's also the idea that vampires came from Lilith. Lilith is considered by some to be the first wife of Adam. She was shunned by Adam because she demanded to be treated as an equal. Adam hooks up with Eve, Lilith hooks up with demons. Adam and Eve's offspring are us humans while Lilith's offspring are vampires. They are purportedly females that steal into nurseries killing babies and then seducing their fathers. These vampires can be held at bay with lullabies (prayers against Lilu [the Lilith begotten vampires]) or by placing pendants around their necks inscribed with the names of the three angels sent by God to round up Lilith. Sing lullabies to your babies but don't put chains or necklaces on them - that's frickin' dangerous - hello, choking hazard!

Pop culture will have you use a wooden stake (any wood though I'd go with a hard wood, finely sanded). In more recent years silver bullets have been added to the list (I guess via the Judas theory). In most stories you can cut off a vampire's head as well (this is actually difficult to do by the way).

The Stake Method:
You have to either angle up from beneath the rib cage and into the heart or go right through the sternum. Contrary to all that left side of the torso crap, the heart is located directly behind the sternum. I don't know if you have to just pierce the heart or go all the way through it, but I'd go for all the way through just to be safe. Your stake should then be a minimum of eight inches long but I'd go with a foot-long. You need to have a tapered tip, but not too thin or it'll break going through the sternum. In order to get through the sternum you're going to need some help - get a rubber mallet to help drive it in. I'd suggest that you try this when during the day when supposed vampires are sleepy.

Silver Bullets:
I guess I could buy it. I'm certainly of the mind that throwing bits of metal at high speeds into a vampire is likely to distract it a bit. Go for it, just be sure to use lots.

Decapitation:
Here's an experiment you can do at home. Buy several watermelons. Find some fence posts or put some nails through a board at about five to six feet tall. Mount the water melons at that height. Now use that cheap sword you bought at the mall or a hatchet and try to cut through them in one stroke. A watermelon is about the same overall density of a human head. (I know - to take off someone's head you go through the neck, but don't you want to be sure you can do it? Frankly I know I'd rather be over prepared.) It's probably not going to work too well. If this is the route you're taking I'd get a nice katana.

Incineration:
Burn them to ashes and then scatter the ashes - pretty straight-forward, right? You have to be fairly thorough to make a fire hot enough that will burn the entire vamp - bones and all.

Verdict: OVERKILL! Incapacitate them with silver bullets, cut off their head, burn the head and the body separately, and scatter the ashes in LOTS of different places. If you've ever seen a Dracula movie, those vamps always find a way to come back. The least we can do is make it hard for them.

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